Before we dive into this topic, I’d like to make two things clear: I have worked for Bumble and I’ve never used a dating app for specific, dating-app purposes. There. I said it. I’m glad we got that part out of the way.
Now before you box me into a category, I’d like to mention that I’m trying to be relatable here. In fact, I come to you from a place of pure curiosity. Just because I haven’t played the field in a while doesn’t mean that I haven’t had many a girlfriend — or guy-friend, for that matter — spew their gory, dating war-story guts all over the foot of my bed. Dating in the millennium truly baffles me. And, the last time I checked, I’m what they refer to as a millennial.
It’s this all’s-definitely-not-fair-in-love-and-war (and Hannah’s windmill conversation with Luke) that got me thinking about modern dating in the first place. How do you find romance in 2019? Is traditional courting a thing of the past? And, how in the world are humans supposed to find other individuals to connect with when they can so easily fill their phones, feeds, and time with Instagram models, Diet Prada’s latest prey, and other people’s glamorous, hilarious, and sometimes (read: often) mortifying lives. From conversations with friends and acquaintances alike, a vast majority of responses lead to the answer I suspected all along: dating apps. But, the landscape seems more complex than that.
Within the dating app community, it appears there lies an unspoken hierarchy of needs, which was once explained to me as today’s slutty equivalent to Maslow. Depending on your desired outcome, you may download different apps. Some have a reputation of being ultra sex-forward, others more promising of lasting love. All have the potential to be a wasteland of hookups and missed opportunity, but they can also result in major success, too, whether that success is measured in a steamy one-night conquest or a two-hour conversation about the future with a potential lifelong partner. Like everything, dating apps seem to be what you make them, but then again, I could be totally missing the mark. What provokes me to this day, however, are the unwritten rules you must follow in order to play the game. Who wrote these rules, anyhow? And, what if you were born to be a rule-breaker?
Because my curiosity can be contained no more, I thought I’d take to asking all of you, dear Bleu readers. Do you use dating apps? If so, have you found success? Do you have a horror story you’ve previously locked in a vault, but can contain no longer? Perhaps, like me, you never had the opportunity experience the thrill of Bumble or Tinder or Hinge. Let us know in the comments, below, and remember: this is a zero-judgement zone.
Ashley
July 16, 2019 at 2:48 pmI have used bumble & tinder more to see what’s out there, I have never met up with anyone. But just from that, I have concluded that dating apps aren’t for me. They feel so superficial and you’re basically just judging someone on their looks & how tall they are. Then when you match with someone usually the opening line is “Hey you’re beautiful” or “Wassup” and that honestly makes me want to reply less. If I meet a stranger in a bar sure it is also based off of looks but it’s also based off of their energy, and you can tell how they are because you are communicating face to face. Online they could just be putting up a front, or even cat fishing you. I am sad that in this day and age as a young, single female who doesn’t like dating apps I am the odd one out. And I also am not waiting for a gentleman to come up to me anymore, if I see someone out who I think is cool I will go up to them. But how am I supposed to notice them if they are glued to their phone, swiping through 20 girls a minute?
Jenny
July 17, 2019 at 8:47 pmI’ve used the apps for 5 years now. I’ve been on all of them. I got on after a 5 year relationship ended, and I didn’t know how to meet new people since that relationship had started after I moved to a new city. I also live in Seattle – a city notorious for its “freeze” and not for its welcoming singles’ bar scene. Or welcoming people in general. I would also like to note that I’m 32, biracial (Indian & white), and have experienced dating via apps as a size 18/235 lbs and as a size 8/160 lbs. You can guess what I mean by all of that – I know my experience is not the same as it is for my petite, white, blonde friends. Just as it has never been the same IRL. I’ve experienced dating IRL while fat and skinny when I was younger (in my early 20s), and I can confidently say everything is just amplified when using the apps. Just as many women swipe for height and job title, men are doing the same for the ideal beauty type. And because there isn’t anything to lose – They’re not afraid to say things to you they would never if it weren’t for the apps if you manage to actually meet in person. Which brings me to my next point – There’s been a shift in the last couple of years, it’s a lot harder to get people to actually meet these days. It seems like everyone is more hesitant and is perfectly content to just message you on the apps forever and ever. Also, I am very upfront about what I’m looking for, what I want, and my boundaries (which I think you have to be when dating this way, otherwise it would never end), and yet here I am 5 years later. Still going on 1st dates weekly (I’m actually matching right now and the reason is not lost on me…eye roll) via Bumble and Hinge and meeting men who either don’t respect any of that or who aren’t upfront about their own intentions and waste my time/ignore my feelings. One of my friends described it as being made to feel like we’re “limitless”. I am not limitless, and I fear after every bad date or breakup that this might be the one to make me give up. The apps also make it harder for people to make a choice, to have interactions in real life, and to “love the one you’re with”. Not to generalize because that’s not fair, but it seems like most men are perfectionists – which is a dangerous path to go down when presented with endless options. The apps were meant to help expand our circles, make it easier for those with specific kinks or disabilities or preferences – not to make it so no one ever has to make a choice. Then we just all end up with a lot of nothing, nothing real, nothing meaningful, nothing that ever goes anywhere.
Tara
July 17, 2019 at 7:43 amI had never used a dating app. I was married and we were together for 10 years. I had a miscarriage and my husband left suddenly and had an affair. I was 31 and single. After a few months and lots of therapy, I finally decided to download one of the stupid fucking apps. Do I have to send the first message? I felt like a 90-year-old using a computer for the first time. WHAT IS THIS INTERNET DATING WORLD? My first date was actually not that bad. I lied about how long my husband had left me. I was 100 % myself. I was scared, to be honest about mymiscarriage and how my husband suddenly left. But what happened surprised me. Men in their 30’s have been through shit too. They too have survived a life of human experience.
I have left dates, cried after going on a date w/married men who lied about it until our 3rd date. Made out one with someone after 15
minutes after the first date. Our connection was strong. The good out weighs the bad. I feel more sexy and sexual than ever before. I met my
ex at 22. I am 33 now. I dated a man casually for year while dating other people and now we are in a committed relationship. He has a 7-year-old. I am completely in love but it’s also a whole new world I never thought I’d orbit. What is my role with his son? How do I trust again? Will I be Mom? I cannot seem to just be.
I’d love to share my experience. Online dating has me thinking a lot about our human connection and how we can connect instantly and what
that means for our relationships.
T
July 17, 2019 at 7:43 amI had never used a dating app. I was married and we were together for 10 years. I had a miscarriage and my husband left suddenly and had an affair. I was 31 and single. After a few months and lots of therapy, I finally decided to download one of the stupid fucking apps. Do I have to send the first message? I felt like a 90-year-old using a computer for the first time. WHAT IS THIS INTERNET DATING WORLD? My first date was actually not that bad. I lied about how long my husband had left me. I was 100 % myself. I was scared, to be honest about mymiscarriage and how my husband suddenly left. But what happened surprised me. Men in their 30’s have been through shit too. They too have survived a life of human experience.
I have left dates, cried after going on a date w/married men who lied about it until our 3rd date. Made out one with someone after 15
minutes after the first date. Our connection was strong. The good out weighs the bad. I feel more sexy and sexual than ever before. I met my
ex at 22. I am 33 now. I dated a man casually for year while dating other people and now we are in a committed relationship. He has a 7-year-old. I am completely in love but it’s also a whole new world I never thought I’d orbit. What is my role with his son? How do I trust again? Will I be Mom? I cannot seem to just be.
I’d love to share my experience. Online dating has me thinking a lot about our human connection and how we can connect instantly and what
that means for our relationships.
Debbie
July 17, 2019 at 11:52 amI’m 31 and have recently fallen head over heels in love with someone I met on a dating app. The circumstances were unconventional – he was just in town visiting from another city and i figured it would be a no-pressure good time. There was an instant connection, we kept in touch and are now living together 🙂
Let me preface by saying, this was after about 4 years of on and off swiping and dozens of lackluster dates. Some of which were a “hell no” immediately, others were a fun time for 3-5 dates but left me feeling hopeless for not being able to feel that spark.
My best experiences with online dating resulted in not having expectations, and viewing each date as a chance to check out a new gallery, bar or museum exhibit that’s been on my list. That way, even if the date was a total bust, you got to do that thing you’ve been wanting try. There is nothing more draining than back to back happy hours where it starts to feel like going on dates are errands.